To Hubby:
Monday, October 6th, 2008There was a time that my world for me was like the sound of that very familiar flat-line beep—constant and unchanging, stretched up to what it seems like eternity, until that is, released from it’s lifeless source. My choice of existence was of a peculiar, unnoticeable yet perfected way of disconnection between the world, me, and my inner-self, of which I had kept protected, seldom, if not never, exposed to what I believed to be contaminating essence of “actually living”. I laughed with a lot of people, I smiled at a lot of people, but when I cried, I cried alone, in the darkness where even I cannot even see my own tears, and in silence, that even I cannot hear myself.
And despite of the fact that what I was at that time could probably be explained by a series of psychological babbling (of which, by the way, still amuses me ’til now, so much that I still like researching about it), I will have to say that I was not like those people who thought they were “lost”. I knew what I wanted, I knew what I was in. I did not hate the world. I did not hate myself either. I was just an individual who knew that I feel too much…for anything, anybody, everybody and everything, someone who was trying to protect something that was too fragile that it could easily break.
And you…You forcefully dug me out from whatever darkness I had created for myself. You said, “From now on, you don’t have to protect yourself, I will protect you.” Slowly you flooded my sight with blues, reds and yellows and I never knew until it was already too late—I just found myself helplessly drowning in what was once the grey-coloured desert I had put myself in, and it was terrifying…
But since then, I had always been happy…for the last eight years of my life, I had truly been (and still am) very, very happy. The emptiness that I never even knew existed has been filled. You, who have the ability to speak right to my heart, have broken every-single barrier I had made. Thanks to you, I can cry out loud now, if need be, and I’m not scared of breaking anymore. You kept your promise, you were always there to protect me.
I love you. Happy Anniversary, my love.
