Crimson Heavens

Thanks to all who had read the previous entry and expressed their concerns…
I’m sorry if it sounded so grim when the situation really isn’t. It’s more of like a turn for the better, a sort of a “win-win” situation where one win is better than the other. The only thing is that all my plans for the next month and the following months after that would probably have to change — things that my husband and I are looking forward to that we would just have to set aside ’til later and all that crap.
I was having that “Get the ball rolling and finish everything soon so that I can plan on what to do next dammit!”-feeling you know, because what will happen depends on two people–one friend who already made up his mind and the other one, who is not close to me at all and still has no idea of what is going on, will have to make his in approximately 2 days from now (minimum). I just want everything to go smooth, I don’t like the tension…
Anyway I will put it all in details later as soon as the second person becomes aware of the err…things…

Someone’s decision will not only have a huge effect on his life but will probably also alter ALL my plans for the next couple of months. I just hope all goes well in the end…Because I really don’t know what will happen until that turning point comes…

Please just pray for me…

So we came home one time from roaming and first thing I did was open my laptop (ME=iNET ADDICT). I wanted to see if there were any replies for my latest post but my internet was not working…or so I thought. To make the long story short it was just that my wireless router was off…DOH!

I’ve had a lot of those “DUH! Can-I-boink-meself-on-me-head-now?” moments.  Actually, it’s been happening quite often lately and I really would want to know why. I had noticed that aside from when working on my programs, my level of concentration is quite low…I forget to do simple things, like washing the bowl I thawed the chicken on, putting the ice cream in the fridge as soon as we get home from shopping, things like that…And I feel that it is getting worse every day…

I wonder what is happening to me…

Despite of what the title suggests I do not have the talent to write a lyrical poem about Filipino Food. I just simply cannot write poems even if my life depends on it (so much so that if ever I end up in a situation where some twisted poem-loving homicidal maniac tells me to either write verse or die, I’ll just beg my murderer to make my execution quick and painless). But, I do love Filipino Food and that is what I am going to write about.

It really disappoints me that in these three friggin’ years that I am living in this goddarnfersaken country, I still have not yet found a decent Filipino restaurant. Of course again, that’s probably just picky ol’ me. But still, I bet a lot of OFW’s had experienced entering a Filipino restaurant with such high expectations and then leaving the same joint with that “Wotdafrigginhellwasthat?” reaction afterwards. This had happened to me many times already (and to different restaurants too) that I actually avoid going to ANY FILIPINO RESTAURANT to spare myself from utter disappointment.

You see, I adore food. And really, really good food makes me more happy than those heavy-duty bling-blings (I swear, ask the hubby). Of course there are food that I really cannot bring myself to eat…take balut for example…and ‘em lil one-day-old chicks…I’m sorry but they totally do freak me out…And well, siopao…don’t ask, I won’t be able to answer you anyway, I just don’t like it.

As for all time favorites, pork sinigang will always be number one on my list. Nothing can beat the taste of that hot, uber sour (I prefer it with the chili “kick” ) tamarind-flavored broth, and of course the pork meat dipped in fish-sauce with kalamansi (local Filipino lime) or just toyo (soy sauce) and ‘em sliced tiger chilis.

Next is sisig, inihaw na baboy and pork kilawin. Again pork-dishes people. Of course, I don’t eat just any sisig or kilawin…they have to be cooked in a particular way, where the meat (meat? do you even call that meat? ) has this charcoal-broiled first so they have that slightly grilled taste…and NO LIVER…hate ‘em icky-tasting buggers *shivers*. It is such sad that pork is BANNED in this country, I will have to wait til my next vacation (BOO!)

My veggie favorites would be lato (some kind of seaweed thingie) salad, ensalada with dahon ng kamote (sweet potato leaves salad), pinakbet, lumpiang gulay (veggie spring rolls) and of course, kangkong kernitz!

Of course I can cook the veggie dishes here, as for the pork ones, I had tried substituting chicken for pork in the kilawin, complete numminess! I used to cook caldereta at home too, (using mashed liver for the gravy…and not liverspread) and bistek as well, But well, there’s too much of beef in this country that I am sick of it (hubby doesn’t eat much of beef either…except when it’s really, really tender).

So all you Filipino foodies, what are your favorite Filipino Food?

Despite of the fact that I should be writing something about snowmobile exhausts if I want some extra moolahs, I shall not be doing that today…Oh wait…I already put the link…Ohohohhohoho! sorry!

Anyway, Mr. Potporotpotpot (ok fine, just Potpot) had posted a series of questions on a “plurk” thread that he had started related to one of the most-used, sensitive, and in-a-way quite complicated four-letter-word called LOVE. It reminded me about a discussion between one person and myself about the ugly side of romantic love and the things that she told me which was, somewhat true.

Love is a strong emotion, and I believe that sometimes, a person really cannot help falling in love, no matter how complicated their circumstances are and despite of what society dictates or considers as right or wrong. Take for example having an affair with another man or women when one is already married, (Keep to mind, I am talking about real deep emotional involvement here, and not those cases where people are just simply thinking with their lower-body-parts.), or falling in love with a cousin, or those who fall in love to a person way below their social standing, or falling in love with someone you have not met, even falling in love with someone who is emotionally unstable. Most of the time, such scenarios result to hearts being broken not only of the persons involved, but also others who are close to them.

In a situation like this, probably at first, one would not care whether it is wrong or right. As long as your love is being returned, to hell with the rest of the world, right? But eventually the world will force itself on you, whether you like it or not. That is the time when you start wanting, even demanding, things from each other that neither of you can give, you have to start struggling, you have to start fighting for it, you will have to hurt other people who do care for you, you have to start making choices, choices that would eventually have a huge impact to everybody close to you…That is the time when you have to think…Is that love really worth it?

And when you do answer that question, you know that you already had lost something big. Something that had always been a part of you that you just had to give up and you probably not be able to have again for the rest of your life…It can be your parent’s trust…It can be your children’s love….It can be respect that you worked so hard to earn…

Probably falling in love is something someone just could not help. But it takes one to make a decision to take that step…to act out their feelings…to take that plunge that would probably drown you later on.

Grandpapa used to hold a good position in Ateneo de Manila University (not as a professor, he worked in the office as the chief accountant or something like that), my Grandmama was having a high position in NAPOCOR long…long…time ago(they never called it NAPOCOR, they always called it “National Power(s)”). For some weird reason, Grandmama retired very early, and Grandpapa, decided to just work as an accountant in our parish church.

Please understand that the house I was raised in was not of a filthy rich family. “Distinguished upper middle class” is probably how I would probably describe it. We were active and very much respected members of the community and our house was quite big. We did have a car–It was a white Ford, if I remember it correctly, which was older than me and was never replaced after it had been bought—two household helps, who most of the time dined with us, and were treated like members of the family. I’m not being an airhead here nor was I saying that we were superior, it was just that we were a bit different (well sorta quite different…)—probably because we had retained some parts of the”colonial” and “old-fashioned” ways… And when I was growing up, I had observed a lot of differences on how “things are done” between my family and other kids’ families.

Both of my grandparents were quite particular, but not too strict. I never had a problem with being forbidden to go out with my friends or anything like that. However, there are certain “no’s” and “should’s” and whoever grew up in that family followed ‘em. Let me give you examples…

1. Playmates and friends were NOT allowed to go upstairs…if they wanna visit, they can roam around whole ground floor. So you have to take all your things downstairs (toys, books, whatever), whatever you might need. You can talk as much as you want, about everything you want, nobody will stand guard and eavesdrop or something like that…The adults will respect your privacy, no matter how young you might be.
2. Any new clothes were to be worn in church first (except house clothes & school uniforms of course).
3. If there are adult visitors in the house, you are not allowed to sit with them in the hall until you are called in.
4. Don’t speak unless spoken to, specially when adults are talking (even if it’s some stupid gossip between the helps…hehehe).
5. The household helps are to be treated with high respect (I got belted…YES! BELTED! for this once).
6. If you’re coming home late, CALL, they won’t mind.
7. Everybody should eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together (if you wanna eat out with your friends, that is fine too, but call, so people won’t wait for you).
8. Food is to be respected, proper manners are to be followed in front of the dining table (no weird noises while eating please…they’re sometimes even particular with how you hold your spoons and forks), and finish everything in your plate. If you don’t like what is being served, do not grumble or ask for anything else.
9. No putting anything not related to food on top of the dining table.
10. Think and re-think before you say or ask anything, make sure you do not offend anybody.
11. No sticking your nose in other people’s business unless they personally ask you for your help. If you think something really “awful” is going on, tell the adults and they’ll see if they can do something.
12. You are responsible for all your actions but you have to think that every action you take not only reflects on you but on your family too, no matter how small it might be.
13. Be proud of your accomplishments…false humility is crap…but don’t be too proud that you think you’re better than everyone else because…
14. There will always be someone better than you, so be humble…

Sometimes I joke to myself that my grandparents had predicted that I’ll end up marrying into an “old” family so they got me all ready for it (except the household chores part…Grandmama got that one wrong, she never wanted me to do household things hehehe…Di daw for me…hanuvahhh). Sure, hubby’s parents weren’t comfortable at all about the idea of the only son/only grandson marrying an “outsider”. They were concerned on how we will be able to adjust to each other’s lifestyle…But hubby said when they finally met me, they were satisfied…Not only I was adorable and sweet (*cough cough*…fine, I added that!)…but because they thought that they sensed, and “saw through me” what kind of “family” I was brought up in…So yey for me!

I miss my Grandmama and Grandpapa. I miss that old house. I miss those times. I do hope that they’re somehow proud of me though, wherever they may be.

And he ain’t happy AT ALL! Poor Alizarin…Uhm…sorry, poor hubby. He actually lost about 5 seasons of downloaded TV serials and I lost some work files (VERY IMPORTANT WORK FILES) of which I was actually planning to backup today. 

Alizarin is fine now, hubby well…I don’t know.

I have to attend the ITP-K training tomorrow! And to think I really wanna wake up late tomorrow. Oh well, it’s for a good cause. Western Union who are our sponsor, gave away  promotional products (t-shirts and vests, I think, not sure). Yeah, we were featured in Arab Times

And no, you won’t be able to see me in that picture (only my long black hair ). I was actually sitting in front of the speaker, and was then in charge of the visuals and demo coding. See those two guys wearing white caps right at the center? That’s me behind them. Anyway, going to sleep now. Ciao.

I had just received an SMS from my sister in the Philippines telling me that my father passed away. She also got the news from my brother in the US and he was there when it happened. 

I am not going to write about things I had missed about him, there was nothing to miss, he was rarely there… our interactions were too short…almost insignificant that it was not even painful considering the circumstances. It was as if he was just someone I knew, someone I called “Daddy” but never really saw him as one. I can even count the number of days, if I try to sum all those hours up, that I had been with him in that 26 years of my life. 

Although I have heard from my sister and my half-siblings that I was very much like him in some ways, I never really saw how. I never knew him enough. I never tried to get to know him enough, and I don’t think he knew me enough too. Of course he had told me that he was proud of me, of how smart I was and all that, that I turned out well after all, even without him…He even joked that if I wanted a break as a script writer he can always call all those people he knew in the movie industry (He was a director and a script-writer too), I guess, thinking back, he was probably even serious about the offer. I turned him down of course, not for anything, just because I knew that I am not good enough to do it.

As I said, he wasn’t much of a father to me, and I never really demanded anything more of him, nor I have blamed him for anything that he had done or had not done. There were special moments in my life that I had asked him to come and share it with me, just because I should ask, not that I really, really would want him there…Of course he never came, and I never expected him to.

All my life, I knew him as my father, but only after hearing the news of his passing, did I really feel that he was.  

Goodbye Daddy.

When I was 4 years old, everytime I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, I used to say, “I want to be a nun.” A year after that, I learned that nuns cannot get married, and since I have this huge crush on a fellow-classmate named JR (He’s a real mestizo—brown hair, brown eyes, long eyelashes and rosy cheeks), I decided I wanted to be an accountant like my Grandpapa. Math had always been my favorite subject anyway, so it’s all good. 

A few weeks after our pre-school graduation ceremony, I realized that I will never hear from JR again, and since I never bothered to know what his real full name was, I had to forget my dream of the two of us getting married and settling in some huge mansion in Europe or the States (yes, I had always been that ambitious *cough*and materialistic*cough* even when young). Well, it was more of like, I forgot that dream and replaced it with “I will marry any other nice and uber handsome, brown-haired and brown-eyed mestizo and we’ll settle in some huge mansion in Europe or the States. We’ll have at least 10 maids, 5 Mercedes-Benz’s and our own Jet plane too.” Of course, that other nice and uber handsome mestizo has to have the same nature as my Grandpapa, at least 4 months older than I am, smarter or at least as smart as I was (I am not being egotistic here, EVERYBODY WHO PRACTICALLY KNEW ME at that time told me I was smart and very intelligent, ay?), will never grow a mustache, and would still look as fresh as he had just taken a bath even after playing basketball (or whatever) in a very humid summer afternoon. And yes, I was this specific at 5 years old.

I was lucky enough to have met those type of boys, and of course, I ended up having crushes on them— my biggest crush was a neighbor who did not only possess the characteristics I had mentioned above, but also speaks fluent English, was a child actor when he was like, 4 or 5 years old, AND, his Grandmama (who was a Spanish-speaking beauty) was very friendly with my Grandmama. They were so friendly,  that they used to tease us that they wouldn’t mind arranging a marriage between the two of us when we get older. I secretly loved the idea. He hated it.

When I was in 1st year of high school, I discovered the world of anime through Sailormoon. And that was the first time I started having crushes on anime-characters. I wasn’t alone, there were a lot of girls like me who fell for them 2-dimentional bishounens.  And when I met Lantis, of Magic Knights Rayearth, I just had to add, “looks very cold and uncaring but really sweet”, “serious”, “seldom smiles in front of other people but always smiles when he is with me” to the list of characteristics I was looking for. I knew then that living in a mansion in Europe or the States, the 20 maids, 5 luxury cars and the jet plain were barely possible, so I kept the “only-if-we-ended-up-really-filthy-rich” condition with it. I ”downgraded” the what I called “THE DREAM” down to 2 maids, a car, a dog, two-story house with a gate, garage and a lawn, both of us having jobs that would make each of us earn at least 30k a month, and at least 4 kids.

I am married now. My husband, when he was young, looked like a meztiso—very fair with light brown hair and brown eyes. His hair had grown much darker, and he’s sporting a mustache which, suprisingly I grew to like. He speaks not only fluent English (no Indian accent, thank God!), but also fluent Portuguese. His nature is like my Grandpapa’s and even if he says he’s a dud…I really do believe that he’s very smart. He’s a joker actually, but he always have this special smile for me, and he can be serious when needed—That will do . And no, he does not smell (let me tell you a secret…a lot of them don’t).

There is no mansion in Europe or the States—only a 2-bedroom flat here in Kuwait, and another 2 bedroom flat in Goa, which we share with his parents. We don’t have a dog, we have one Persian cat, and about 14 (or more!) street cats outside. The two-story house with a gate, garage and a lawn might become something like a 4-5 bedroom bungalow instead….but we’ll get it in the future…there is still time. The car, we’ll be getting most probably in December, but not here in Kuwait, it’s quite scary to drive here…and the two maids? Hmm…we don’t need them yet … probably later. Besides, we are earning much more than 30k each in both pesos and rupees, so we can afford to have them later on. We’re still working on the first of the four kids I wanted (he said we’ll start aiming for two for now…we’ll decide if we can raise the target later on ). So far, so good.

What about the luxury cars and the jet plain, you might ask. As I said, there is still time.